And Every Breath That We Drew Was Hallelujah
by MsTonksLupin
Summary: Running in slow motion, being so close yet every second parted him even more from the curled figure at the bottom of the stairs. Sirius was gone forever, and she was laying motionless on the floor of the Department of Mysteries. All he could do was run, begging that he would eventually reach her. Because love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.


**Hallelujah is definitely one of the most stunning songs in the universe. I adore Leonard Cohen but I also like Rufus Wainwright's version, as the lyrics fit more with my story. I just had to write this. I couldn't sleep or study or do anything unless I threw my thoughts on the paper… or in Microsoft Word, anyway, I am delirious again!**

**I know that some parts might strongly remind you of my other Remus-Tonks stories, but that was the point, I wanted to take some parts and rewrite them in a better way.**

**I really hope you'll like this, please review! It will mean a lot for me to know your opinion!**

_Bum, bum, bum, bum…_

Steps, running but still feeling painfully far away, like in a dream, running but not reaching. Steps, the only thing Remus Lupin could listen. His own steps, as every foot fell on the cold marble floor of the Department of Mysteries painfully.

_Bum, bum, bum… _

Or was it his heartbeat? He was sure it was his heartbeat, he could hear it pounding frantically in his ears, but he would swear he didn't have a heart anymore. He didn't feel pain, he didn't feel despair, he didn't feel at all. He just ran.

_Bum, bum… _

Running in slow motion, being so close yet every second that parted him from reaching the curled figure at the bottom of the stairs was a century, an entirely painful, nightmarish century. Shades twirled around him, people walking, speaking, repairing charms flying near him, but he couldn't hear anything, he couldn't see their faces.He was dead. Sirius was gone forever.

_He's not coming back._

_Not coming back._

_**I've heard there was a secret chord…**__**  
**_He heard the slippery sound the soles of his shoes made like it came from far away, as he fell on his knees next to her numb body, still feeling the actual absence of his obviously present beating heart. His hands reached for her head and he turned her around to face him.

Her young, beautiful face was paler than ever, her forehead covered in blood, her eyes closed peacefully as though she was sleeping, her body creating irregular angles on the floor, her usually bright pink hair was mousy brown and it all was so wrong. So incredibly wrong, that his ridiculous half-absent excuse of a heart, was instantly ripped in a million tiny bleeding pieces, that pain returned to every inch of his body and caused him to break in two, to collapse just like he was witnessing Sirius being slowly drawn into the Veil again.

…_**That David played, and it pleased the Lord…**_

His fingers reached for the side of her neck. There was a pulse. A very faint, distinct pulse.

Had she seen her cousin falling into the Veil? Did she know he had left them forever? Was her heart ripped into pieces, just like his was?

Her heart was beating. That was enough for the moment.

_Bum. Bum. Bum.___

…_**But you don't really care for music, do you?**_

He slowly turned his head around and his blurry eyes saw Mad-Eye running towards them, running as fast as the wooden leg would allow him to, and then kneeling before them and grabbing her body.

"That was a nasty curse. If I ever catch those bastards…"

"We must get her to St. Mungo's." Remus Lupin heard the words coming out of his own mouth as if they were spoken in another, faraway universe.

"I must go find Fudge, give him a word or two. Take her there, chap. You can apparate, can't you? You aren't missing an article?"

_**It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth…**_

_Bum, bum, bum…_

His feet hitting the ground of the hospital reception as he carried her seemingly featherweight body in his arms. Healers spotted them. Shouts, people, noise, lime green robes swishing around, more steps, people running.

She was taken from him.

…_**The minor fall, the major lift…**_

He didn't refuse to have his wounds cleaned by a healer, he didn't have the strength to disagree, to protest, to cry, to rip his clothes in horror.

Sirius had fallen.

She had fallen.

How much more could he bear to lose?

…_**The baffled king composing Hallelujah…**_

His tall body freezing, together with the careless, eternal smile on his face. His shiny black hair and robes waving in the air softly, eerily, as if he was underwater. Her frantic, crazy laughter piercing every molecule of Remus' whole being while he watched Sirius' frozen body slowly falling behind the Veil. Bellatrix' laughter even crazier, Remus wanted to shut his eyes and scream, and then he would open them and it would be a bad dream and Sirius would be there, swishing his black hair arrogantly, but instead he watched his best friend fall.

And he was gone._**  
**__**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

The next thing he remembered himself doing, was holding Harry's body, the boy's tensed muscles fighting violently to be released, his screams killing him slowly, _oh God, _they were James' screams. _These were James' screams for his lost friend._

"_NOOO!"_

"_He's gone, Harry…"_

_Gone._**  
**_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**__Bum, bum, bum._

The night was sleepless and all he could do was walk around in the cold hospital corridor, his bandaged hands in the pockets of his cardigan, his steps falling heavily on the shiny floor, stepping on a melted heart which had slipped under his shirt and on his scuffy brogues, dirtying the leather from which they were crafted, with several amounts of unbearable pain.

A healer had told him that the curses his wife had been hit with were severe, but she was young and her heartbeat had already started getting stronger. He had answered that she wasn't his wife. The healer had apologized and he had simply raised his shoulders.

A few hours later, another healer had informed him that her state was particularly difficult, that a few bones had been broken, and that they didn't know whether she would fully heal.

For now, he would walk.**  
**_**Your faith was strong but you needed proof**_**…**

_Bum, bum, bum. _

Steps all around, people visiting, people talking to him, people saying they were sorry for Sirius' loss, Kingsley, Moody, "_He was a brave bloke…"_

That he was.

People telling him she would wake up, people pleading him to take some sleep, to eat a meal and to shave. Molly, Arthur…

That he wouldn't.

Blurry figures, blurry sights, voices coming from far away, and then he was allowed to see her.

…_**You saw her bathing on the roof…**_

And it was wrong. Entirely, completely wrong. Nymphadora Tonks had always been there to laugh heartily, to produce noise in order to pull his old, grumpy self out of his misery, to trip over things with her bright pink boots, to cover his view with her violet hair when she accidentally bumped into him, Nymphadora Tonks was supposed to awkwardly flirt in kitchens, to run around in her boyfriend jeans and colorful clashing sweaters causing chaos.

She most definitely wasn't supposed to lie motionless in a hospital bed, her face bruised and paler than the sheets, her hair mousy brown, her eyes closed. It was completely wrong.

She still was beautiful. She would always be. The almost full moon entered the window and lighted her pillow as he stared from the glass outside her room.

She was beautiful, but it was wrong.

…_**Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you**_

_You are wearing a lace night blue dress. The same one you had worn at the Italian restaurant you had your first date with Remus, which was actually a Malfoy stakeout mission. Why the bloody hell are you wearing that? Gah, at least you're wearing your favorite army boots. And your hair is dark and wavy, and you try to change it back to pink but you can't. _

_Where are you? It looks… it looks like the Hogwarts Great Hall, only it looks more like a ballroom, without the tables, it looks like it was on your graduation ball. Damn, you hated that ball, your peers had always thought you were weird and your heels were so freakin' uncomfortable._

_Is that Remus? Remus in a suit? Is that the old striped suit he wore to that date? But how can that be? You and Remus never went to Hogwarts together, did you? No, he's ten years older than you!_

_And the sky is starry and clean, and the moon is full, and is filling the whole room with light, but then why isn't Remus transformed? Why is he in his human form?_

_You open your mouth to ask him what in drunk Merlin's sake is going on, but for some reason you can't speak, and he doesn't seem to want to speak either. _

_He just smiles as he walks towards you, giving you a hand, as if you were in a goddamn film noir of the ones your Muggle grandmother used to watch together with a box of tissues._

_You simply take his hand._

****_**She tied you to a kitchen chair**_**…**

Who would tell him… Who would tell him the previous morning that in a few hours Sirius would be dead and she would be lying in a hospital room… Who would tell him that, twenty four hours ago, when after months of denial, awkward kisses and jokes from Sirius, he had decided that he was unable to stay away from her anymore, he had decided to give in…

She had thrown him on a chair in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, she had leaned over him and pressed her lips on his own.__He had been unable to resist, to speak or to push her away, all he could do was to respond to her merciless kiss, to let her tongue in his mouth, her sweet taste to fill him. Her fingers were tangled in his sandy brown hair, his hands were stroking her satin back under her _Weird Sisters _green t-shirt, clashing terribly with her purple hair. She had sat on his lap and he had pulled her closer, draining in every sense, her gardenia scent, the feeling of her soft skin, her touch taking away every breath of his.

…_**She broke your throne, and she cut your hair…**_

_His other hand rests on your waist and you think you're gonna scream but you don't, you're surprisingly collected and unusually elegant, how can you dance without tripping over your own feet? That definitely _is _new! He smells of musk and forest and old books and you want to sigh but you can't, because his chocolate eyes have magnetized yours in a way which doesn't allow your body to react at all. You are totally unarmed against his old fashioned gentlemanly charm, and you can't believe that Remus Lupin has you in his arms and you sway in a waltz rhythm, you don't even _know _how to fuckin' waltz, then how do you?_

…_**And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah**_

And then she had slowly broken the kiss to get some air and he had felt her smiling against his mouth, he had imagined the teasing curve of her pink lips and he had smiled too pulling her into your arms, he had smiled hesitantly yet excitedly like a school boy, like he was fifteen again, and he had wished for this moment to never end, as he had watched her closing her eyes and coming closer to him for another kiss.****

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

And then Kingsley's patronus entered the room.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

_The full moon is quite beautiful, and you are glad that for a reason which remains entirely unknown to you, Remus didn't transform tonight. Your feet sway around, your favorite boots thumping on the dance floor, bum, bum, bum, you never were gentle and elegant anyway, his favorite brogues leading the way, and you rest your head on his shoulder because it smells perfect there and you want to spend the rest of your life like that._****

_**Maybe I have been here before**_**…**

Remus Lupin hated hospitals. He had a few nice memories from St. Mungo's, he would never forget Harry's birth, Lily glowing and smiling, more stunning than ever, and James completely out of his mind, rambling and shouting that he had a son, and Sirius joking about mini Prongs, he would never forget the smiling, healthy, calm baby, which didn't knew how his life would turn out to be.

And there was another time, when he had come with Sirius to visit Bonnie Holmes, Sirius' fiancée, and one of his best friends during the first war. She had just gotten her healer degree, and she was so happy and she was kissing Sirius…

Sirius was no longer there. Neither was Bonnie.

…_**I know this room, I've walked this floor…**_

Every other memory he had from St. Mungo's was horrible. He had come to visit Frank and Alice several times but they didn't remember him. He would stay with them, try to remind them things, try to make a conversation, try to make them feel better. He knew that they were a few staircases away, he could always visit them and see how they were doing. But he couldn't anymore. He hated himself for it, he completely despised him, but he couldn't. He couldn't see the blank eyes and the prematurely white hair of his dear friends. He hadn't visited for years.

…_**I used to live alone before I knew you**_

He would never forget rushing in here to be told that his mother had eventually passed away, shortly after his father had been murdered by Death-Eaters. He would never forget the endless screams and tears of all the following years, the tears of a young man which quite resembled those of a plaintive stubborn little kid. He had been scarred forever, he could never forgive his mother for leaving him alone, he would always blame her for doing such a thing he hadn't been able to understand.

But now he understood her. He had always been strong enough not to think in the way she had thought, but now he saw. His father had been murdered. His mother, an always depressed woman who had suffered deeply from his curse when he was a kid, couldn't take being parted from the love of her life, even though she loved her son equally. Now that he was completely alone, with everybody gone, with Tonks in a hospital room, he could finally understand. He didn't know what he would do if he lost Nymphadora, but he was sure he wouldn't bear to live anymore.

His mother had attempted suicide and he had always hated her for that. Now he could forgive her.

…_**I've seen your flag on the marble arch…**__**  
**_Sirius was gone. So was James and Lily. So was Bonnie and Marlene, and Frank and Alice in a way. So was Dorcas. With her it had been completely different than with Tonks. After sleeping with Muggles he met at pubs, Dorcas was his first serious relationship, the first person who accepted him for who he was, the first woman to not care for his condition. He never felt for her what he had felt for Tonks, but they respected each other, they had a nice time together, they could kiss each other kindly on the lips, and that had given him the confidence he had always lacked. Until he found her and her parents dead in her house.

It had been raining in the funeral, Lily had hugged him and Sirius had comforted him, but he had assured himself he was destined to never love and be loved like most people did. He was a werewolf after all.

…_**Love is not a victory march…**_

He couldn't bear to lose her. Not her too. How could he live without her? How much more pain?If she only opened her lavender eyes, if she only gave him a reason to keep living, to keep struggling…

How could she do that to him?

Wake up, Nymphadora.

Please, wake up.

…_**It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah**_

_You raise your head and his kind eyes are staring at you. You keep swaying in the rhythm of the music, his face is suddenly closer to yours, your heart is ready to explode from your chest and land on his clean blazer when his lips slightly brush upon yours and normally you would sing and jump with joy but now all you can do is kiss him, he pulls you closer and you sigh, your feet never stop moving. The kiss breaks and you stare around in the Great Hall. Sirius is there too. You're glad to see your favorite cousin, how did that bastard get here? You want to shout that Remus has kissed you and see his face and then you know he'll bark "I told you so" but it won't matter because Remus bloody Lupin has kissed you! And you open your mouth to call him but he isn't looking at your direction, his back is turned at you and you try to shout his name but you can't, you're asking Remus to leave you because you want to go punch your cousin for not answering to you, but Remus is holding you tight and he doesn't want to leave you. You try to shout but Sirius doesn't listen, and suddenly his body starts flying._

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**__You are speechless. You watch Sirius' body fly unnaturally to the ceiling, then getting lost into the starry sky, and all that's left is the full moon, and Remus isn't looking at you anymore, he's staring at the sky, and his teeth transform into fangs, and you feel hair appearing on his skin under your touch._

_And while Remus transforms, you are waiting desperately for Sirius to come and save you as Snuffles, as you are not sure you can handle a werewolf._

_But then you realize…_

_Snuffles isn't coming back._

_And you scream.___

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**_

A blood-freezing scream caused Remus Lupin to jump up from the chair where he had fallen asleep. He felt his heart hammering in his chest. She had woken up. She was alive! She ran to her side and grabbed her shoulders. Her eyes were widely open and she was covered in sweat. He realized she had difficulty breathing, and he tried to calm her down. "Wait for me, Nymphadora, I'm going to call a healer!"

She was clutching his cardigan desperately with all the strength she had left, not letting him go. "I saw a nightmare!" she said with a croaked voice. "I saw that he's dead! He can't be dead, can he, Remus?"

And there, in the hospital room, without needing to answer, with a desperate Nymphadora hanging from his clothes, Remus Lupin finally burst into tears.

_**There was a time you let me know…**_

_Tap, tap, tap._

She heard his brogues on the floor of her flat while he moved around, preparing some tea and searching for a blanket. She was curled in her colorful sofa, shivering in the middle of May, her skin gray, her hair mousy brown, dark circles under her eyes.

_Tap, tap, tap. _

She tapped her fingers with the half eaten nails on the purple coffee table.

She didn't have the strength to return to work. She didn't have the strength to act as if everything was normal again.

Sirius was dead. Nothing was normal.

Her mother had spent a few days in her flat, now she had left and Molly or Remus would pay her a few visits, cook her, make her some tea, keep her some company.

Sometimes she needed them. Some others she needed to be alone.

Remus got in the living room and sat next to her, handing her a cup of tea.

"Thanks." She mumbled.

"Do you want something else? A book? Some music?"

"No, not really."

Before she even managed to take a proper sip of her tea, a wrong movement caused as a result of her eternal clumsiness, and half of the cup's content was spilt on her lap. She got up quickly, instinctively, as the hot liquid sticking on her sweatpants burnt her, and before Remus could even manage to clean her and the sofa with a wave of his wand, her sight became blurry.

Remus was quick enough to throw himself of the armchair and catch her before she fell on the floor, his heart pounding frantically in his ears.

He helped her lie on the couch. She had closed her eyes firmly, in order to reduce the spinning of her head.

"Are you alright?" he asked, almost breathlessly.

"Bloody awesome." She said in a quiet voice.

She sighed in relief as she felt his cool hand on her forehead. "You are feverish again." He said.

"I will survive."

"You must rest, Nymphadora. And you must also stop thinking. You're killing yourself."

"Don't call me Nymphadora."

"I'm being serious." He felt a lump on his throat when he remembered the pun about his friend's name. "You are destroying yourself. His death has cost so much to me too… But life goes on…"

"You don't understand… I could have saved him…"

"No, Tonks, you couldn't, so stop blaming yourself! It never was your fault!" he stated calmly

"You don't _understand, _Remus! You never understood! You never understood how I felt, I am a fuckin' auror! I was his fuckin' cousin! I should have saved him!" she opened her eyes but she wasn't really looking.

"I do understand, Tonks. It was the same with Lily and James, it was the same with my parents." He got up and walked to the door. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"I don't believe you do understand, not even how I feel about you. I love you, do you have any idea about that?." He remained speechless, staring at her, his heart racing madly. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to say, he didn't know why he didn't feel excited, surprised, relieved. All he could feel was pain. He suddenly was an awkward fifteen year old boy again, having no idea of what to do with his life. "I'm so sorry." He whispered again, then opened the door and disappeared, deciding he would never let things to take their way again.

…_**What's real and going on below…**_

Remus Lupin knew that he had been weak. He had been unable to control himself, unable to act in a sane, mature way, for the hundredth time, he had left his selfish heart take control of his actions, as his brain was completely numb while he kissed her passionately.

It was winter and it was freezing outside, but the heat inside her flat was unbearable. They were on the same colorful sofa, their arms wrapped around each other, their hands hungrily touching everywhere they could, their tongues dancing fiercely together. They broke the kiss and he pressed his lips on her neck, kissing her and sucking in her sweet flesh needily, causing her to sigh in pleasure and anticipation. A hand reached for her left breast and he massaged it while she dug her nails in his back.

…_**But now you never show it to me, do you?**_

Her breathing was rugged, her heart was beating frantically under his hand and she kissed him again, managing to get rid of his underwear, which was the last piece of fabric that separated them. Then, without a single word, their lips parted and they stared at each other, hungry eyes, thirsty, heated skin, and she lay on her back, spreading her legs for him. He grabbed her waist and kissed her again while moving inside her, causing her to moan in ecstasy.

_**And remember when I moved in you?**_**...  
**They didn't speak at all, they just moved together rhythmically, their hips going up and down, their hearts ready to explode, her legs tangled around his waist, his arms wrapped around her torso, exchanging fiery kisses, stopping to take a painful breath and again, then staring at each other, their bodies pressed together, each of them wondering whether they could suck anymore of the other because none of the two had ever felt that way before.

…_**The holy dark was moving too…**__**  
**_Her head fell back and he closed his eyes, groaning as an almost murdering orgasm took over his tired body. He held her closer as she moaned again, their bodies shaking, and he hid his face in her bosom. They both collapsed on the sofa, sucking breaths of air hungrily. **  
**_**…And every breath we drew was Hallelujah**_

"You will be the death of me, Nymphadora." He said hoarsely.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**_She didn't protest about him calling her that. She rested on his chest, feeling his heart beating against her ear. He took her delicate hand in his own and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly.

"I love you." She said simply.

_**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**__Bum, bum, bum. _His heart was going crazy again, he loved her with all his heart, he loved her more than he ever loved a living person, he loved her more than he ever loved an idea, a value, he loved her much more than he had ever loved himself, he loved her much more than he had ever dreamt to be loved.

_**Maybe there's a god above…**__**  
**_She felt her insides sinking again as he remained silent. Her fingers stroked his unshaven cheek.

"I can't believe what happened." He said in a hoarse voice. "I can't believe I keep hurting you. We can't be together, Tonks. You know that."

"Say you don't love me, Remus." She whispered. "Please, say you don't love me and I'll leave you alone forever."

He sat up on the sofa, naked, and stared on the floor, at his feet. "I don't lie."

…_**And all I ever learned from love…**_

He got up and reached for his wand to accio his clothes. "This can never happen again. We must put an end. I am too old, too poor and too dangerous for you."

She got up and grabbed her t-shirt, suddenly feeling exposed, feeling in need to cover herself.

"When will you stop acting as if I care, Remus? You know I don't fuckin' care! You are more than I have ever dreamt of! I need you in my life!"

_**...Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you**_

She stared at the cord of his pale neck while buttoning his grey shirt, she stared at his eyes which denied her glance. She stared at him tying the lace of his brogues with horror, as her heart sank for the hundredth time.

"Don't leave me." She begged, completely different from the badass Tonks everybody used to know, from the careless Tonks he had met. He tried not to stare at her teary eyes while buttoning his old coat and throwing his scarf around his neck.

"Promise me you'll take care of yourself." He said. He turned to face her and their eyes locked.

They were torn, they were broken, they were lost.

How had they fuck things up so much?

He pressed his lips on his forehead, opened the door, and walked away.

_**And it's not a cry you can hear at night…**_

_Bum, bum, bum._

He heard his steps on the staircase of the building. She walked to the sofa where they were making love half an hour ago, already having burst into tears. She spotted his old suede gloves on the coffee table.

She stared at them and then took them in her hands.

_Enough, _she thought. _That's enough. _

Her heartbeat calmed._**  
**__**…It's not somebody who's seen the light…**_

His own fastened. _Bum, bum, bum. _He walked quickly in the snow, feeling the need to get away from her. His heart ached. His hands had her scent. And they were freezing.

He had forgotten his gloves at her place.

…_**It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah**_

He stopped in the middle of the street, breathing quickly, he looked behind him and then started walking in the snow again.

_Thump, thump, thump._

All he could hear was his muffled steps as he put his cold hands in his pocket. He wouldn't go back.

He let warm tears fall from his eyes and turn into ice on his cheeks.**  
**_**  
**__**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**__**Hallelujah, Hallelujah**__**  
**_


End file.
